August 23, 2011

  • Pensive, again....

    The last few days have seen the loss of several people I knew, knew of and who had been parts of my life and the lives of those I care about.

    One was a dear lady who was a substitute in our building.  She looked like the perfect victim of kids who mistreat subs, but, in fact, she was a beloved sub.  Even the nasty kids found in her someone to be kind to and to protect.

    Another was someone I knew long ago, someone for whom life had been harsh and had left marks on her.  But always, her smile was there and her kindness to others.

    One individual  I knew only through his family.  Within him were the pulls and tugs of insecurity and those tugs and pulls led him to often move in hurtful ways toward those who tried to love him.  I can only hope that he now is at peace.  Those who loved him are left behind, but love him still.

    As a person who spends a lot of time in her own head, I wonder about my own relationships with other people.  I often wince when I think that I've cut short interactions with others and hope I've not hurt them badly. 

    Sometimes it just seems that I don't have enough to give to everyone who wants it.   There's just not enough of me to go around.

    Perhaps I've always been selfish with myself.  All through life I have demanded "alone time".  Crowds sometimes are exciting but then I have to withdraw to settle things in my own mind, to recoup some energy for myself.

    Maybe it's middle age, maybe it's growing up.  Maybe it's introspection.  Maybe it's self-absorption.  Maybe I'm just full of it. 

    But I'm awfully pensive today........